Today like many otherdays, was boring to me. I was ready for a nap my noon. Its not that I am unhealthy that I was not able to make it, just board.
I like the stability of a Job, Lord thank you for that defently in todays times. But the same thing every day COME ON.
I enjoy the drive to and from work. I have a lot of time to think and day dream, I like it.
I love to read since i can mental exscape to somewhere not here.
I am happy when the weather is not perfict, as what really is perfict. To me its cool, not that sunny, I love rain.
It doesn't bother me one hairy bit. I love the sound, the smell even the mud.
I don't mind snow, but i hate ice.
i think i would be just freaking happy in Washington, or even Alaska.
I will and would hate some were like Texas. Sorry Texas its not you its me. Really
Flaws, wow i have a lot, were do i start. Metally, well am not confident, and get green with jealousy fast. I hate the feeling a doubt that i could be left for something better. that does not only stop at personal relationships but at work as well.
i drink a little to much maybe, what is too much. one two five drinks? really what is too much. My normal is a huge difference from your normal.
well lets all just be freaking happy huh, i will wallow in my thoughts and you will go on.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
One more thing
I was just wanting to add a little more about my self.
I was a young mother, a kinda Young wife, but just to be honest, I never wanted any of it.
I had a plan. I did not want children and I very much didn't want to be a wife.
I saw what my parents went thru and i joys of being mental scared by my mother that i was very sure I didn't want any of it. Well one night of ignorance wrecked all of it. I married after a couple of years to run away from my life. I knew from the start that he would be a good 1st husband. I fear that the term would be used closer to now then i ever thought.
I do love my husband but i know now that he is the spitting image of what his mother divorce. he is a perfect duplicate of his father, whom had learned from his mistakes. bit my husband, well he still fells that his stupid ways and jackass ness is acceptable.
I still almost a decade into the marriage wonder why they hell did i marry him?
Really why, was it just to get out of the situation i was in? Did i really love him or did tolerance turn to love?
I do know that i am unable to be honest with him. I have tried several times and have been shot down in may ways. Sexual i was honest, and I was treated and left feeling like a whore.
Mentally I was honest and felt like a stupid idiot.
With in the marriage, well I was left feeling like i was inadequate in ever way.
Never doing anything right.
Maybe one day I will get it right and from the start to the finish i will have his love and approval. but as of now, I have yet to master that.
I was a young mother, a kinda Young wife, but just to be honest, I never wanted any of it.
I had a plan. I did not want children and I very much didn't want to be a wife.
I saw what my parents went thru and i joys of being mental scared by my mother that i was very sure I didn't want any of it. Well one night of ignorance wrecked all of it. I married after a couple of years to run away from my life. I knew from the start that he would be a good 1st husband. I fear that the term would be used closer to now then i ever thought.
I do love my husband but i know now that he is the spitting image of what his mother divorce. he is a perfect duplicate of his father, whom had learned from his mistakes. bit my husband, well he still fells that his stupid ways and jackass ness is acceptable.
I still almost a decade into the marriage wonder why they hell did i marry him?
Really why, was it just to get out of the situation i was in? Did i really love him or did tolerance turn to love?
I do know that i am unable to be honest with him. I have tried several times and have been shot down in may ways. Sexual i was honest, and I was treated and left feeling like a whore.
Mentally I was honest and felt like a stupid idiot.
With in the marriage, well I was left feeling like i was inadequate in ever way.
Never doing anything right.
Maybe one day I will get it right and from the start to the finish i will have his love and approval. but as of now, I have yet to master that.
Day one
Well, What oyu need to know about me is nothing, you dont need anything but food water and air. What I will tell you is what i want to tell you. I need you to understand that.
I am a wife, a mother a friend and on most days a good employee.
I am starting to dislike my life. I have several things to be joyous of. i will not deny that. I have what I hope if a faithful husband, but there are a few arguments that make me really wonder. I have a couple of very healthy children. A home, Job, no big needs.
But I am still sad. I still hate my self at the end of the day. I feel like a fraud. Like i am pretending and coning every one around me.
I know its called lack of confidence, and low self esteem. but still I fight this demon every day.
I hate that I feel like i can do nothing right. Several times a day, I feel like a complete fuck up to my husband.
I feel inadequate at work. I am told several times a week on how my co workers are happy with my leadership and that i do a good job, but still everyday I tell my self that today i will just quit.
I grew up never thinking that I would do a great job.
confident and arrogance was a sin. when i grew up you did nothing that would set you different from any one else, Blend in to the background was the goal.
this is a little of me, I get more pathetic trust me.
I am a wife, a mother a friend and on most days a good employee.
I am starting to dislike my life. I have several things to be joyous of. i will not deny that. I have what I hope if a faithful husband, but there are a few arguments that make me really wonder. I have a couple of very healthy children. A home, Job, no big needs.
But I am still sad. I still hate my self at the end of the day. I feel like a fraud. Like i am pretending and coning every one around me.
I know its called lack of confidence, and low self esteem. but still I fight this demon every day.
I hate that I feel like i can do nothing right. Several times a day, I feel like a complete fuck up to my husband.
I feel inadequate at work. I am told several times a week on how my co workers are happy with my leadership and that i do a good job, but still everyday I tell my self that today i will just quit.
I grew up never thinking that I would do a great job.
confident and arrogance was a sin. when i grew up you did nothing that would set you different from any one else, Blend in to the background was the goal.
this is a little of me, I get more pathetic trust me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)